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Confesssions of a Sick Dreamer

There are rare moments in life when things align. For the passionate man seeking his passion, life can often feel like one big misfitting shirt or worse yet an itch he cannot scatch.

WHERE MY OBSESSION COMES FROM

For me, obsession is someting I’ve never had difficulty finding. I’m a lefty with electricity flowing through my veins. An eclectic person. And it seems once you find the edge or the fringe, it’s not all too challenging for that place of discomfort for most to feel like home for me. And the longer I stayed the more made sense. While obsession with the pre-popular nourished my soul it simultneously alienated me from the norm.

Now most poeple arrive at an obsession which is commonly held: sports, movies, music, or religion itself. For me being a contrarian runs deep in my DNA. It springs from a seminal moment when I was younger when I was asked if I was left or right handed. I didn’t know the answer because I forgot whether which word mapped to which hand. So I just held up a hand. I let fate take the wheel. I did not know I had picked the losing team. Being a lefty is choosing to be on the team that dies earlier, is fewer, and is unnaturally difficult to write with – especially cursive. And perhaps greatest of all, lets face it life is designed for righties, and rightly so. It is at the end of the day against the grain.

So a mixture of these results in a person who when looking for obsessions tends to lean towards what’s off the beaten path. My whole life the contrarian. At a certain point in my life I believed being different must be good. After all if everyone maintains the same thought that thought is yet another pebble on a mountain yet the pebble by itself carries little value other than validating that you aren’t a trouble maker.

Let us review a short list of my “Lefty Obsessions” that have capitvated me over the years: (1) floatation tanks, (2) early pro-marijuana, (3) startups, (4) bitcoin.

MY DREAMS ARE SICK

Since the Coronavirus outbreak and being under the weather myself just recently I’ve thought a lot about disease – specifically mutations and evolution. I’ve often said the hero of one story is simply the villain in the other’s. Life is sick in this way, the right and the wrong is always a matter of position.

With any obsessions which may parallel a dream you’d like to make true the beginning and end are obvious but it’s everything in between which is nothing but pain and suffering mixed with a few bright spots called success. During this long process a dream tends to undergo heavy spells of mutation or evolution – not unlike this new Coronavirus. These are time when the owner of said dream is typically faced with some very sobering realities about the true nature of life. Dreams live on in conceptual form. The shape they end up manifesting in physical form are called compromise. This why in Silicon Valley they tell everyone to dream beyond big, because by the time all the whittling away is complete what’s left if once grand is typically normal. So if you start if you started with a Skyscraper you end up with a apartment building and if you dreamt of the apartment building you’d be lucky to have a house.

OBSESSIONS ABOUT SICK DREAMS

Lets be clear, it’s hard enough to simultaneously have an obsession that’s worth pursuing which will also have a tangible outcome. I can’t count the number of nights I’ve spend with a joint in my hand going around the carousel wondering (1) if any of this is worth it, (2) why did I choose to be left handed, (3) this is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

AFTER THE SICKNESS WORE OFF

I realized when I was sick I start falling back into my old patterns. Checking stocks prices, looking at news, watching a series on the rise of the Ottoman Empire – always looking for an edge in the my Silicon Valley life. But what actually surfaces when you’re sick is that (1) comedy not drama makes you feel better, (2) thinking too much about tomorrow is irrelevant when today is at risk, (3) looking at world news only makes you feel worse.

So after spending the past decade being too wrapped up in the moment and taking everything a bit too seriously perhaps this was the perfect point to draw a line in the sand. What would be next decade look like?

I’m willing to test out a less future obsessed mind. A present filled with worries of a future which may or may not come is of no use no matter how much energy I give it. Right now though I can use my time to simply decide what to do with today rather than decide my entire life.

Right now that means getting back to full health. I do not think I’ll ever be a person without obsessions. Right now there is a target I have locked onto dead center and I’d hoped it’d be travel or a hot girl but at this very second it is not. Perhaps that’s a story for another day.

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